Bag lady...LET IT GO...love will make it better

♫Bag lady you gone hurt your back...dragging all them bags like that. I guess nobody ever told you all you must hold on to is YOU...Girl I know sometimes it's hard, and we can't let go. When someone hurts you oh so bad inside you can't deny it...you can't stop crying. But If you start breathing then you won't believe it...you'll feel so much better♫

I was listening to bag lady by Erykah Badu. I have listened to this song a million times. But this time was different.I suddenly felt as if she was speaking directly to me.

This is a very sensitive issue to me because I feel like my world has been turned upside down. I thought I was living my dream freely, but this epiphany has changed my life...I realize that I'm the bag lady Erykah Badu is singing about...

Am I a bag lady? I guess if I am honest with I have to admit that I am. I have so much baggage from the past that I need to get rid of. I have suitcases upon suitcases piled up...suitcases of hurt...suitcases of anger...suitcases of pain...suitcases of fear...suitcases of other people's problems and suitcases of disappointment. I have so many suitcases that I cannot even get around without stumbling...

I thought I had let all of those fears and disappointments go. I thought I was finally in a place of total liberation of the mind, body and soul. But honestly I now realize that I never truly liberated my soul, because I never let any of the things of my past go. I still have all of those bags...i just kinda rearranged them. So its all still there, but now its a little neater and easier to hide. I know I gotta let this stuff go because its suffocating me. But...I really don't know how. I don't even know where to begin to clear out all of this junk. I wish there was a book to teach me how to free myself from all of this emotional baggage that I been dragging. Just like the song says..."Bag lady you gone miss your bus...You can't hurry up...Cause you got too much stuff" This is a painful reality for me right now. There are so many places I want to go, so many things i want to do and so many things I want to see, but these bags are holding me up.

Its scary, because I know what I need to do. But I really don't know how. And this is really difficult for me because I'm not used to losing control in my life. I always have it together. Or so I thought. This is one area where I need some serious work and help. I'm trying to learn how to let go of all of the things of the past. But I guess I'm afraid to...because, letting go means being alone with myself. Its like I have surrounded myself with all of this emotional baggage because it keeps me busy; it gives me something to do. But I just had this epiphany and I realize that emotional baggage is a sort of prison. Its a self imposed prison, and I need to break free.

"Bag lady Let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go
Girl you don't need it
I betcha love can make it better"

I know this is so true. I gotta let it go. I have to unpack each one of these suitcases for good or else I'm gonna remain in a cage with no way out. With each word of this entry I am slowly releasing the hurt that others have caused me...the disappointment I have felt...the pain I have caused others....the anger I have stored up...and the fear I have let get in my way.I'm unpacking those suitcases and throwing this garbage away.

I guess I got so caught up in worrying about everyone else that I forgot to take of myself. Now its time for me to move on and start fresh. I'm starting to feel better already. But I know I have a lot of soul-searching and meditating to do before I'm completely unpacked. I just hope I get rid of these bags for good this time...

Soul Connections in Africa

I arrived at the malnutrition ward of the hospital only to find a little girl named Olive. And the connection we made is remarkable. Thus, this is a letter to her. I hope to come back for her in a year and share this letter with her. (forgive me because my thoughts in this letter are jumbled and they may be a bit confusing. I just wrote this, because I had to get it out)

Dear Dushimimana Olive,

I will never forget the day I met you. I walked into the hospital room only to find you sitting, perched at the edge of your bed, with her younger sister strapped to your back. Your eyes lit up as I walked into the small room. You ran over to me and grabbed my hand. I smiled gently and held your hand for a few seconds. There was something peculiar about you. I couldn't seem to take my eyes off of you. I felt a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach as goose bumps formed on my skin. I was confused and I did not understand what was happening. I tried to shake the feeling, but I knew there was something wrong. As I scanned the room, I could feel you staring at me. I hesitantly turned my attention to you and my stomach tightened as we locked eyes. And for a moment I peered into your soul. I looked into your eyes and saw a little girl crying out. There was something translucent about you. The feeling was so powerful that I could not speak. You glanced away after a few moments and stared at the floor. I stood in silence trying to understand why this was happening. I wonder if you could feel what I was feeling?

I wanted to know more about you. The atmosphere filled with an aura of sadness as you began to tell me about your life. I soon learned that you are an orphan. And that your mother died when you were a tender 12 years old. 12 years old is such a critical age in a girls life,( the peak of childhood and the verge of adolescence).You spoke slowly with your voice barely above a whisper as you talked about losing your mother. I know that pain all too well.

The connection I felt with you is truly beyond words. It was strange how your life seemed to parallel my own. It was as if I was staring at myself, eight years ago. I began to remember my own experience of losing my mother. My mind drifted back to a 13 year old me. I remember growing up wondering who would teach me all of the things that only mothers can teach little girls. And the thing I remembered the most was the disappointment I felt the day that rose-colored stain first appeared in my panties. The pain I felt was beyond measure. I remember lying in bed crying because who, but mother could teach me the importance of womanhood as it appeared as a stain in my pink panties. I wondered if you too had this same terrible experience?

Life without a mother is like being in an unknown land without a map. But you are finding you way, even in the midst of the wilderness. I know it is hard, but I pray that you will reach within yourself and extract the inner strength that I know you have. I know there are times when you want to give up, but I hope that you will continue on. I know there are moments when you feel like the world is against you, but I believe in you. I know you sometimes feel alone, but I am here now.

Olive you are such an inspiration. Your giving is selflessly.Your strength is unbelievable. Your spirit has endured, even in the darkest hour. And you are beautiful, in every sense of the word. You are my hero and I will NEVER forget you. I will carry your spirit of strength with me forever. And I will tell your story to all who will listen.

P.S. I will come back for you. I promise.

Love Always,
Your sister
Derrika

My journey of self-discovery

GOD created me in simple complexity...
Simplicity can be found in my complexity

My body is a blend of soul and earth.
My soul feels....my earth heals

My thoughts embody a mixture of peace and war.
Peace is my ideal, but sometimes war is real.

My spirit is trapped into freedom.
I have learned to do things for me and my GOD.

My love is powerful.
I love without limits...in spite of all things and because of no things.

My beauty is timeless.
I have learned to find beauty in myself, with myself and for myself. (because if I do not then how can others)

My giving is from the heart.
I do not give to be seen. But I give because I truly enjoy it.

My experiences are special
And I learn for each and every one of them.

My eyes have seen...
love, beauty, and happiness.
But I know the opposite of each exists.

My heart has felt the harsh sting of hurt, trauma and pain
But, I wake up each day trying to love anyway.

My time in Earth is a journey
But I do not have a final destination.

My life has never known failure
Because failure is a state of mind, and my life is about choices and learning lessons from each choice.

My words are written with purpose
And I hope that you connect with me through them.