~*Reflections in 2009~*

As I sat outside watching the sun set, I realized that 2009 is slowly fading away like the evening sun, and 2010 is on the horizon. The thought of another year coming and going is both exciting and frightening. I'm excited because a new year equals a new opportunity to get my life on track, a new set of new year's resolutions and a sort of rebirth that the new year seems to bring. But, I'm a bit frightened about the ending of 2009. I'm frightened because this year has also been full of magical moments. I have experienced some of the most beautiful blessings and witnessed some unbelievable miracles and I'm not ready to leave these experiences behind.

Nonetheless,this year has also been perhaps one of the most trying years of my life. It has been one full of ups and downs. Sometimes the downs seemed to outweigh the ups. In 2009 as, I embarked on a journey of true self-discovery I learned so much about myself, life and other people. As I began to make changes I had to leave a few people behind and a few left me behind. I have learned from each experience. And I have applied my learnings to my life.

We only have 24 days left until the new year and thus I will share 24 things I learned in the year of 2009. I write each word from the heart and I hope my words are like a bridge that connect you to me...Please feel free to comment or share your own experiences of learning in 2009!

1. Lesson Learned: We can spend our whole lives planning and preparing for the amazing future we would love to have, but we quickly learn that futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight and sometimes things simply don't go the way we plan...

2. Lesson Learned: Love is not a binding contract. Love is a beautiful experience that can end as quickly as it began. And no matter how much you may want to force it, you must let go when a season of love ends. Sometimes it is so difficult to let go of relationships and friendships when you really value what you share with someone. But I finally realize that as bad as it hurts, letting go is the only thing to do.

3. Lesson Learned: Life was never meant to be faced alone, that's why GOD gave us each other. To share the beautiful times and to help overcome the tough times :)

4. Lesson Learned: Nobody really wants to hurt, so we spend our lives building
cocoons of fear...like butterflies, but if only we knew we were really free. (an excerpt from a poem I'm writing)

5. Lesson Learned: If there is something you really want to do: DO IT! Do not allow anything to stop u!

6. Lesson Learned: Do not let fear prevent you from being who you want to be. You can spend your whole life trying to be someone that everyone else wants you to be but inside you will slowly die. I finally had to liberate myself and live for me, I simply cannot be anyone else.

7. Lesson Learned: My GOD is bigger than any problem, situation or fear, so there is no reason to worry or fret.

8. Lesson Learned: GOD really does answer prayers. There were some situations that I experienced in this year that I never would have made it thru without GOD. I'm so glad that I can look back now and say I made it :)

9. Lesson Learned: No matter how painful or stressful a situation is, you WILL survive and come out stronger in the end. Sometimes in the midst of our pain we cannot or do not believe that we will make it thru a particular situation, but I'm a true testament that if you just hang in there you will overcome <3

10. Lesson Learned: Sometimes the people we love and trust the most are the ones that tend to disappoint us more than anything. People are only human and sometimes they disappoint us. But we must remember that we are ALL human and we all make mistakes.

11. Lesson Learned: Forgiveness is the most powerful and liberating process. But it can be very difficult. Forgiveness is necessary if you want to experience total peace and happiness. Forgiveness, allows us to accept the past and move into a place of healing. This year someone I trusted and loved hurt me really badly. I felt so betrayed and confused because I never saw it coming, but I simply meditated and learned to forgive. And I quickly moved to a place of healing and I learned to love the person in spite of. After all we are only human <3

12. Lesson Learned: Smiling really does make you feel better. And laughter is good 4 the soul... Try it! Besides "you never know who may be falling in love with your smile"

13: Lesson Learned: "Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain."

14. Lesson Learned: Emotional baggage is a sort of prison. Its a self imposed prison. Let go of all of your past fears, hurts and pains and you will feel so much better. You will be free. I freed myself and this is the best I have ever felt.

15. Lesson Learned: Giving is powerful and essential element in life. And more often than not in the process of helping someone else you will help yourself.

16. Lesson Learned: Take a few moments out of each day and connect with yourself. You only get one "you" so love and take care of yourself.

17. Lesson Learned: Enough love can heal the broken heart, fill the most empty spaces and bridge the longest distance. Love really does heal all. Let the love into your life and watch how things magically start to change for the best.

18. Lesson Learned: Dreams really can be come reality. The equation is simple:( hard work + dedication)/ fears x faith=success every time.

19. Lesson Learned: Failure is a state of mind. Life is about experiences. If you do not succeed in a goal the first time, you have not failed you have simply learned what not to do in order to be successful the next time around.

20. Lesson Learned: It is best to be totally honest with people, even when you feel like it will hurt them. The truth really does make you free, while lies on create a web of confusion.

21. Lesson Learned: A good friend once told me that a true friendship is never really over, sometimes you go through difficult periods but time will eventually bring you back together again (Thanks Condi) I believe that this is true and I really hope so because I'm still waiting for my best friend to come back...

22. Lesson Learned: Friendship blooms in the most unlikely places. I have made friends with people I never could have imagined but now I can't see myself living without them :)

23. Lesson Learned: Religion is too judgmental, stuffy and oppressive for me. My spiritual connection with GOD is much more enlightening. And GOD=Love so I never feel judged, oppressed or hated in GOD's presence.

24. Lesson Learned: We are born to be happy. We are born to be free. We are born to be just who we are. Do not allow others to steal your sunshine.

These are the major lessons I learned this year. I'm anticipating the end of this year because it has been a hard year, but I have grown so much. Besides "plants could not grow if there was no rain..." Please feel free to comment or share your own experiences of learning in 2009! Love, peace and blessings are manifesting in 2010 <3

Love...

Hmmm I don't evem know where to start. It's so crazy how this four-letter word has so much power in our lives. It's perhaps one of the most powerful words in all languages. Love is something we all need and want. But the sad part is how far people will go to get it. Right now I'm feeling so hurt and confused because I recently lost someone very important to me, behind something that has been wrongfully disguised as love. I know that everything happens for a reason but I cannot see beyond my pain. I do not understand why I had to lose someone so important to me. I feel so cheated and confused because I have never loved anyone so much and now they are gone. The very thought of everything that has happened in the past few days leaves me breathless. The thought leaves me in a deep state of confusion. This can't be happening, I feel like I'm in a dream. (I keep praying that I'll wake up soon).

How do you move from this place of sadness and confusion to a state of peace and happiness. Right now that transition seems impossible. I keep re-reading the words of the quote: If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it was always yours. I find a sort of comfort in these words, but I do not know if what I lost will ever come back to me, and that scares me. I know that if GOD brings me to it, then (s)he will certainly bring me through it. But, I just want this pain to end.

Learning how to let go is perhaps one of the most difficult lessons I have ever had to learn. I know my will is not GOD's will. And so I want so badly to do whatever it takes to get this person back into my life. But deep down I know that I should just let go and let GOD work. I will let GOD work. I pray for GOD's peace to rain upon me, because my spirit has withered up. My love has dissipated into sadness and other things. And my days have become filled with tears and constant chest pains.

GOD let your spirit of peace rain. Let your love swallow me. And allow your truth to free me...

I manifest Peace & Blessings

Bag lady...LET IT GO...love will make it better

♫Bag lady you gone hurt your back...dragging all them bags like that. I guess nobody ever told you all you must hold on to is YOU...Girl I know sometimes it's hard, and we can't let go. When someone hurts you oh so bad inside you can't deny it...you can't stop crying. But If you start breathing then you won't believe it...you'll feel so much better♫

I was listening to bag lady by Erykah Badu. I have listened to this song a million times. But this time was different.I suddenly felt as if she was speaking directly to me.

This is a very sensitive issue to me because I feel like my world has been turned upside down. I thought I was living my dream freely, but this epiphany has changed my life...I realize that I'm the bag lady Erykah Badu is singing about...

Am I a bag lady? I guess if I am honest with I have to admit that I am. I have so much baggage from the past that I need to get rid of. I have suitcases upon suitcases piled up...suitcases of hurt...suitcases of anger...suitcases of pain...suitcases of fear...suitcases of other people's problems and suitcases of disappointment. I have so many suitcases that I cannot even get around without stumbling...

I thought I had let all of those fears and disappointments go. I thought I was finally in a place of total liberation of the mind, body and soul. But honestly I now realize that I never truly liberated my soul, because I never let any of the things of my past go. I still have all of those bags...i just kinda rearranged them. So its all still there, but now its a little neater and easier to hide. I know I gotta let this stuff go because its suffocating me. But...I really don't know how. I don't even know where to begin to clear out all of this junk. I wish there was a book to teach me how to free myself from all of this emotional baggage that I been dragging. Just like the song says..."Bag lady you gone miss your bus...You can't hurry up...Cause you got too much stuff" This is a painful reality for me right now. There are so many places I want to go, so many things i want to do and so many things I want to see, but these bags are holding me up.

Its scary, because I know what I need to do. But I really don't know how. And this is really difficult for me because I'm not used to losing control in my life. I always have it together. Or so I thought. This is one area where I need some serious work and help. I'm trying to learn how to let go of all of the things of the past. But I guess I'm afraid to...because, letting go means being alone with myself. Its like I have surrounded myself with all of this emotional baggage because it keeps me busy; it gives me something to do. But I just had this epiphany and I realize that emotional baggage is a sort of prison. Its a self imposed prison, and I need to break free.

"Bag lady Let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go
Girl you don't need it
I betcha love can make it better"

I know this is so true. I gotta let it go. I have to unpack each one of these suitcases for good or else I'm gonna remain in a cage with no way out. With each word of this entry I am slowly releasing the hurt that others have caused me...the disappointment I have felt...the pain I have caused others....the anger I have stored up...and the fear I have let get in my way.I'm unpacking those suitcases and throwing this garbage away.

I guess I got so caught up in worrying about everyone else that I forgot to take of myself. Now its time for me to move on and start fresh. I'm starting to feel better already. But I know I have a lot of soul-searching and meditating to do before I'm completely unpacked. I just hope I get rid of these bags for good this time...

Soul Connections in Africa

I arrived at the malnutrition ward of the hospital only to find a little girl named Olive. And the connection we made is remarkable. Thus, this is a letter to her. I hope to come back for her in a year and share this letter with her. (forgive me because my thoughts in this letter are jumbled and they may be a bit confusing. I just wrote this, because I had to get it out)

Dear Dushimimana Olive,

I will never forget the day I met you. I walked into the hospital room only to find you sitting, perched at the edge of your bed, with her younger sister strapped to your back. Your eyes lit up as I walked into the small room. You ran over to me and grabbed my hand. I smiled gently and held your hand for a few seconds. There was something peculiar about you. I couldn't seem to take my eyes off of you. I felt a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach as goose bumps formed on my skin. I was confused and I did not understand what was happening. I tried to shake the feeling, but I knew there was something wrong. As I scanned the room, I could feel you staring at me. I hesitantly turned my attention to you and my stomach tightened as we locked eyes. And for a moment I peered into your soul. I looked into your eyes and saw a little girl crying out. There was something translucent about you. The feeling was so powerful that I could not speak. You glanced away after a few moments and stared at the floor. I stood in silence trying to understand why this was happening. I wonder if you could feel what I was feeling?

I wanted to know more about you. The atmosphere filled with an aura of sadness as you began to tell me about your life. I soon learned that you are an orphan. And that your mother died when you were a tender 12 years old. 12 years old is such a critical age in a girls life,( the peak of childhood and the verge of adolescence).You spoke slowly with your voice barely above a whisper as you talked about losing your mother. I know that pain all too well.

The connection I felt with you is truly beyond words. It was strange how your life seemed to parallel my own. It was as if I was staring at myself, eight years ago. I began to remember my own experience of losing my mother. My mind drifted back to a 13 year old me. I remember growing up wondering who would teach me all of the things that only mothers can teach little girls. And the thing I remembered the most was the disappointment I felt the day that rose-colored stain first appeared in my panties. The pain I felt was beyond measure. I remember lying in bed crying because who, but mother could teach me the importance of womanhood as it appeared as a stain in my pink panties. I wondered if you too had this same terrible experience?

Life without a mother is like being in an unknown land without a map. But you are finding you way, even in the midst of the wilderness. I know it is hard, but I pray that you will reach within yourself and extract the inner strength that I know you have. I know there are times when you want to give up, but I hope that you will continue on. I know there are moments when you feel like the world is against you, but I believe in you. I know you sometimes feel alone, but I am here now.

Olive you are such an inspiration. Your giving is selflessly.Your strength is unbelievable. Your spirit has endured, even in the darkest hour. And you are beautiful, in every sense of the word. You are my hero and I will NEVER forget you. I will carry your spirit of strength with me forever. And I will tell your story to all who will listen.

P.S. I will come back for you. I promise.

Love Always,
Your sister
Derrika

My journey of self-discovery

GOD created me in simple complexity...
Simplicity can be found in my complexity

My body is a blend of soul and earth.
My soul feels....my earth heals

My thoughts embody a mixture of peace and war.
Peace is my ideal, but sometimes war is real.

My spirit is trapped into freedom.
I have learned to do things for me and my GOD.

My love is powerful.
I love without limits...in spite of all things and because of no things.

My beauty is timeless.
I have learned to find beauty in myself, with myself and for myself. (because if I do not then how can others)

My giving is from the heart.
I do not give to be seen. But I give because I truly enjoy it.

My experiences are special
And I learn for each and every one of them.

My eyes have seen...
love, beauty, and happiness.
But I know the opposite of each exists.

My heart has felt the harsh sting of hurt, trauma and pain
But, I wake up each day trying to love anyway.

My time in Earth is a journey
But I do not have a final destination.

My life has never known failure
Because failure is a state of mind, and my life is about choices and learning lessons from each choice.

My words are written with purpose
And I hope that you connect with me through them.